Weekend. My brain says that it’s time to recharge & not do much at all if possible. I know that this is not the right outlook to have, & that I should be keeping busy, but the sheer physical effort (well what my brain envisages) makes it very difficult.
Looking for something to do & get out the house, I run an errand to the store for the wife with my son in tow.
He asks for a chocolate to which I say no, & then we can’t find a particular item, but we find a suitable substitute.
My son phones home to speak to Mom to see if he can have the chocolate, & is the substitute all right?
This makes me flip my lid! Am I not good enough? Am I not a good enough parent that my decision is right? I end up chastising my son, & am so angry, that it has now set the tone for most of the rest of the day, where I will chew on this & wallow in anger & also feels pangs of disappointment about my actions that were unnecessary towards my son.
Everyone else in the house seems to find things that need to be done, & I am left to wallow some more, until I decide to join my son, who is cleaning the bathroom shower with his homemade (seen on You Tube) drill mounted scrubbing brush. (He’s a smart kid!)
All I wanted to do was have an afternoon sleep, but I know & so does the family that this is not the right thing to do. I can’t keep isolating myself from my family.
The evening eventually comes, & it’s a step closer to bedtime. The family are watching a second movie, & I escape to the room, get into my pajamas & into bed. I should shower, but I couldn’t be bothered.
Sunday morning, & I can’t seem to find the restful sleep that I was looking for. The one that you wake up from in the morning feeling refreshed & ready for the day. Instead, I try to force myself to sleep some more, but that just makes it even worse.
Nothing to do really today, so I read the paper, & eventually get dressed. I don’t feel like having to have another day. What’s the point? I feel that there is nothing really in my life at the moment that holds any interest for me. Pangs of self pity & at the same time guilt for not wanting to be with my family wash over me. This is not right.
By Sunday afternoon, the family want to go out & watch my nephew play rugby. I just want to stay at home, because I really don’t like rugby. My daughter chastises me for not wanting to be with the family, & in anger I say OK, I’ll come with you.
I’m grumpy & don’t really speak to anyone, but it’s actually quite nice out in the sun. I still couldn’t care about the rugby, but at least in person physically , but perhaps not yet in person emotionally, I am there.
The day ends off with my wife sending a WhatsApp to the kids about there lack of help around the house & unappreciative attitude to what we as parents sacrifice for them to have what they need. We don’t have a lot, but what we do have, we sink into making sure that the kids have to better their future.
I can’t but think that I am just a hanger on in all of this sometimes. My wife is the real driver in this family.
I want to be more, & do more, but it is so difficult to get over this barrier that I feel. Is it self created? Perhaps in some part. Can I break it down? Perhaps in some part. Do I need help(medically) to break it down? Definitely. Do I have my families support? Definitely. I just need to ask for it.
I know my family are there for me, & I wish that is was as easy as “just asking”, but I have to want to get better from the support that I receive. I don’t want to let anyone down after they have decided to help me. I want this, but do I need it?
That is the feeling that I have right now. Misery begets misery, & we wallow in all this self pity very easily. It takes a lot of effort to pull yourself out of it. I know I can do it, but it has been such a long time that it won’t be easy.
My biggest hurdle in my mind, is financial. I know that we can get out as a family & do things, but it all costs money that we don’t have extra of. There are only so many times you can go for a walk somewhere, but maybe that’s all that we need, & it costs nothing.
This is a low point at the moment, & reading back to my previous posts, is definitely one of my low points. I have to do something about this, but I can’t seem to find the energy, or the urge. What lurks behind this apathy is not pretty, but I can’t do this alone.
I need help.
My family are always & will always be there for me, but I need more, & I’m going to get it.
Hello Doc. Do you have a cancellation for this week so I can see you instead of having to wait another week? Hello other Doc. Can I get an appointment please…