Day 12 (18th August 2017)

I seem to have got over the very early morning wakings, but it’s now gone to the other extreme, where I am battling to wake up & get out of bed. I get to work & already feel dog tired. It may be because I have had a very busy week, & my body is feeling it, or I may be cycling, but it’s difficult to put a finger on it.
Besides the tiredness, the will to want to work was not there, & I procrastinated with myself most of the day to get things done. I certainly was not as productive as I could have been at work.

Later in the afternoon was my dreaded fortnightly management review meeting, which always fills me with thoughts of dread & pumps my anxiety way up there, so that I get heart palpitations & my ears start ringing. This is not normally like me of old, & seems to get worse & worse.
I think that the reason for it, is that no matter how much preparation I do for it, I always dread the questions that I haven’t thought about, that leave me stammering to formulate a response. It’s not because I don’t know the answer, but rather that I can’t seem to put it in a way that makes sense. I hate this being put on the spot, hence the heightened feelings of anxiety & stress. I can be so much more eloquent when I write something down to get my point across, because I have time to think about what it is I need to say & get across.

The weather here has also been pretty foul & cloudy as well over the last few days, which also makes me feel quite lazy, & bringing on that urge to sleep. At least winter is starting to move on, & spring is on the horizon. I wouldn’t say that I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Anxiety Disorder), but the weather certainly does have some sort of impact on my mood.
I have been searching for & reading quite a number of blogs over the last week as well, & there are some interesting thoughts out there. It’s also good to know that I am not alone in my struggles, & that there are people who are fighting the same demons that I am, & going through the same life challenges.

Onwards & upwards. Can’t see my Shrink soon enough to have a major discussion with him about my feelings.

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