Like all mental illnesses we have good days & we have bad days, & that’s OK for the most part, except when you are expected to work at a very high level for the whole day.
This can be very stressful, & you are constantly fighting with the voices in your head. The ones that create self doubt & tell you to rather pack it in because you are no good.
I don’t have the luxury of being able to sit back & take it easy. The work pressure is high & I have to do it. This adds to feelings of anxiousness, to the point of a spinning head & heart palpitations. I am therefore having to force myself to deal with the problems head on, & you know what; I think I am getting stronger for it.
It’s a very difficult mindset that I feel myself in, but you have to keep up the hope that it is going to get better. My previous meds prevented the anxiety, but at the cost of being a half zombie & not caring enough for the quality of life or work that I put out. These new meds & being treated for MDD are a good start, but it is still very important to not let a label own you.
Stay positive, push to remain focused & while the day might drag a bit sometimes, I get through the day. It does mean that by the end of the day I am physically & mentally exhausted, but running a marathon does the same thing to your body.
Take the downtime when you can get it, & after a long day, get home & force your brain to relax. BREATH. Life must go on. Get a good nights sleep, but don’t go to bed too early because your brain wakes up before you do!
That is a good thing though because it means you are ready to fight another day.
Always look for meaning in your day, & reaffirm in your mind that you are a contributing member of society. You have a family to support & responsibilities that don’t really care how you are feeling.
In the quest for a normal life again, we are all faced with many challenges. For those of us who suffer from Depression, BPD & Anxiety, these challenges become even harder.
I am learning though, that the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Celebrate the wins. Put ticks next to your “To Do” list when you have finished them. Everyone has one of these lists, but very few of us have a “Completed” list. There is definitely something empowering about completing a task, & even more so if that tasks results in a positive outcome for you & your business.
Being constantly under the microscope at the moment for me, means that I have to hasten the results that I need to achieve. I can’t wait for my new meds to do all the work, nor can I rely on them completely. Yes, they are intended to bring me back to some level of “Normal”, but don’t wait on just that you get you up in the morning. It will be an uphill struggle, but you have to keep pushing forward. Inaction is a dark friend of my condition, & one that is easy to slip back to. Accept this fact, & then make a determined effort to fight against it.
What is this feeling that I can’t shake? I can’t seem to switch off from all the work tasks that I need to do, even over a weekend. Even though you think that you have had a relatively good week, & sent out all your communications & feedback, you still dread that one E-Mail that arrives over the weekend, pulling you into self doubt & asking if you have done enough, could you have done better, did you remember to do X?
I think that the problem is partly waiting for new meds to help with the feelings, but it’s also not sure of your next move & will it be the right one. Stress seems to play a large part, & learning to accept the feelings, processing them & moving on from that point. Spending quality time with family & being outdoors certainly helped, & I need to get a personal grip on my surroundings, & not let them control me.
It’s not easy, & it will be an uphill battle, but slowly this feeling should pass, & I have to pay particular attention to it. I can’t just let it control me, I have to be the boss.