Finally, not a 4am wakeup, managed to get to 5am.
Already a sense of anxiety is washing over me, & one that is what made me wake up in the first place. My thoughts are racing again about a million different things, & I can’t calm the noise. Part of my anxiety, is that I have a management meeting later today, to go over the business performance. Not that there is a big concern about that, but rather it’s about having to deliver my report & then field questions about it that fill me with anxiousness, so bad that the Rivotril that I was hoping to wean myself off, had to be put into use again, but only a half dose.
This seems to take some of the edge off, & allows me to function a bit more normally. I am the kind of person that hates to be put on the spot with any questions that I do not have or do have the answers to, but cannot articulate them properly in the spoken word. I would rather hide behind a computer screen & formulate responses to questions from there. It’s not that I am socially awkward around people; on the contrary most of the time I am perfectly fine, but I don’t at the moment crave to be in the company of others at work. It’s worth mentioning, that I am the only person in my office, so if I want to speak to someone, I have to leave my office to do that. Sometimes it does get quite boring, but for the last few weeks, it’s been nice to “hide away” a bit.
As the meeting time rolls around, my chest starts tightening up & I have to really work hard to practice some deep breathing as my chest tightens & feelings of dread filter in again. I take a full Rivotril to quell this feeling, & when 3pm rolls up, I am prepared with my feedback, & at the suggestion of my very supportive wife, am prepared to field any questions with a response along the lines of “That’s a very good point, I’ll get right on it”.
3:02, Meeting postponed till next week. I can’t take this, but the feeling of relief that washes over me is tangible. It’s so anticlimactic, that all the angst & Adrenalin gives me an instant headache! Immediately the stressor is gone, I relax a bit more & am able to focus on a few work tasks to see me through to the end of the day, & the start of the weekend, which I always look forward to for the most part to be able to spend time with the family & away from work, but there is always that nagging feeling of anxiety again, that an EMail is going to come my way that needs to be attended to right now, & not wait until Monday.
I am working to try & find these coping mechanisms, & I have just read a very good book by Dr Reid Wilson entitled “Stopping the noise in your head”. Worth ordering or seeing if your local library may have a copy.