Making it through the day

Like all mental illnesses we have good days & we have bad days, & that’s OK for the most part, except when you are expected to work at a very high level for the whole day.
This can be very stressful, & you are constantly fighting with the voices in your head. The ones that create self doubt & tell you to rather pack it in because you are no good.

I don’t have the luxury of being able to sit back & take it easy. The work pressure is high & I have to do it. This adds to feelings of anxiousness, to the point of a spinning head & heart palpitations. I am therefore having to force myself to deal with the problems head on, & you know what; I think I am getting stronger for it.
It’s a very difficult mindset that I feel myself in, but you have to keep up the hope that it is going to get better. My previous meds prevented the anxiety, but at the cost of being a half zombie & not caring enough for the quality of life or work that I put out. These new meds & being treated for MDD are a good start, but it is still very important to not let a label own you.

Stay positive, push to remain focused & while the day might drag a bit sometimes, I get through the day. It does mean that by the end of the day I am physically & mentally exhausted, but running a marathon does the same thing to your body.
Take the downtime when you can get it, & after a long day, get home & force your brain to relax. BREATH. Life must go on. Get a good nights sleep, but don’t go to bed too early because your brain wakes up before you do!
That is a good thing though because it means you are ready to fight another day.

Always look for meaning in your day, & reaffirm in your mind that you are a contributing member of society. You have a family to support & responsibilities that don’t really care how you are feeling.

A little ray of hope

In the quest for a normal life again, we are all faced with many challenges. For those of us who suffer from Depression, BPD & Anxiety, these challenges become even harder.
I am learning though, that the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Celebrate the wins. Put ticks next to your “To Do” list when you have finished them. Everyone has one of these lists, but very few of us have a “Completed” list. There is definitely something empowering about completing a task, & even more so if that tasks results in a positive outcome for you & your business.

Being constantly under the microscope at the moment for me, means that I have to hasten the results that I need to achieve. I can’t wait for my new meds to do all the work, nor can I rely on them completely. Yes, they are intended to bring me back to some level of “Normal”, but don’t wait on just that you get you up in the morning. It will be an uphill struggle, but you have to keep pushing forward. Inaction is a dark friend of my condition, & one that is easy to slip back to. Accept this fact, & then make a determined effort to fight against it.

Day 13 & 14 (19 & 20th August 2017)

Weekend. My brain says that it’s time to recharge & not do much at all if possible. I know that this is not the right outlook to have, & that I should be keeping busy, but the sheer physical effort (well what my brain envisages) makes it very difficult.
Looking for something to do & get out the house, I run an errand to the store for the wife with my son in tow.
He asks for a chocolate to which I say no, & then we can’t find a particular item, but we find a suitable substitute.

My son phones home to speak to Mom to see if he can have the chocolate, & is the substitute all right?
This makes me flip my lid! Am I not good enough? Am I not a good enough parent that my decision is right? I end up chastising my son, & am so angry, that it has now set the tone for most of the rest of the day, where I will chew on this & wallow in anger & also feels pangs of disappointment about my actions that were unnecessary towards my son.

Everyone else in the house seems to find things that need to be done, & I am left to wallow some more, until I decide to join my son, who is cleaning the bathroom shower with his homemade (seen on You Tube) drill mounted scrubbing brush. (He’s a smart kid!)
All I wanted to do was have an afternoon sleep, but I know & so does the family that this is not the right thing to do. I can’t keep isolating myself from my family.

The evening eventually comes, & it’s a step closer to bedtime. The family are watching a second movie, & I escape to the room, get into my pajamas & into bed. I should shower, but I couldn’t be bothered.

Sunday morning, & I can’t seem to find the restful sleep that I was looking for. The one that you wake up from in the morning feeling refreshed & ready for the day. Instead, I try to force myself to sleep some more, but that just makes it even worse.
Nothing to do really today, so I read the paper, & eventually get dressed. I don’t feel like having to have another day. What’s the point? I feel that there is nothing really in my life at the moment that holds any interest for me. Pangs of self pity & at the same time guilt for not wanting to be with my family wash over me. This is not right.

By Sunday afternoon, the family want to go out & watch my nephew play rugby. I just want to stay at home, because I really don’t like rugby. My daughter chastises me for not wanting to be with the family, & in anger I say OK, I’ll come with you.
I’m grumpy & don’t really speak to anyone, but it’s actually quite nice out in the sun. I still couldn’t care about the rugby, but at least in person physically , but perhaps not yet in person emotionally, I am there.

The day ends off with my wife sending a WhatsApp to the kids about there lack of help around the house & unappreciative attitude to what we as parents sacrifice for them to have what they need. We don’t have a lot, but what we do have, we sink into making sure that the kids have to better their future.
I can’t but think that I am just a hanger on in all of this sometimes. My wife is the real driver in this family.
I want to be more, & do more, but it is so difficult to get over this barrier that I feel. Is it self created? Perhaps in some part. Can I break it down? Perhaps in some part. Do I need help(medically) to break it down? Definitely. Do I have my families support? Definitely. I just need to ask for it.
I know my family are there for me, & I wish that is was as easy as “just asking”, but I have to want to get better from the support that I receive. I don’t want to let anyone down after they have decided to help me. I want this, but do I need it?
That is the feeling that I have right now. Misery begets misery, & we wallow in all this self pity very easily. It takes a lot of effort to pull yourself out of it. I know I can do it, but it has been such a long time that it won’t be easy.
My biggest hurdle in my mind, is financial. I know that we can get out as a family & do things, but it all costs money that we don’t have extra of. There are only so many times you can go for a walk somewhere, but maybe that’s all that we need, & it costs nothing.

This is a low point at the moment, & reading back to my previous posts, is definitely one of my low points. I have to do something about this, but I can’t seem to find the energy, or the urge. What lurks behind this apathy is not pretty, but I can’t do this alone.
I need help.

My family are always & will always be there for me, but I need more, & I’m going to get it.
Hello Doc. Do you have a cancellation for this week so I can see you instead of having to wait another week? Hello other Doc. Can I get an appointment please…

Day 12 (18th August 2017)

I seem to have got over the very early morning wakings, but it’s now gone to the other extreme, where I am battling to wake up & get out of bed. I get to work & already feel dog tired. It may be because I have had a very busy week, & my body is feeling it, or I may be cycling, but it’s difficult to put a finger on it.
Besides the tiredness, the will to want to work was not there, & I procrastinated with myself most of the day to get things done. I certainly was not as productive as I could have been at work.

Later in the afternoon was my dreaded fortnightly management review meeting, which always fills me with thoughts of dread & pumps my anxiety way up there, so that I get heart palpitations & my ears start ringing. This is not normally like me of old, & seems to get worse & worse.
I think that the reason for it, is that no matter how much preparation I do for it, I always dread the questions that I haven’t thought about, that leave me stammering to formulate a response. It’s not because I don’t know the answer, but rather that I can’t seem to put it in a way that makes sense. I hate this being put on the spot, hence the heightened feelings of anxiety & stress. I can be so much more eloquent when I write something down to get my point across, because I have time to think about what it is I need to say & get across.

The weather here has also been pretty foul & cloudy as well over the last few days, which also makes me feel quite lazy, & bringing on that urge to sleep. At least winter is starting to move on, & spring is on the horizon. I wouldn’t say that I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Anxiety Disorder), but the weather certainly does have some sort of impact on my mood.
I have been searching for & reading quite a number of blogs over the last week as well, & there are some interesting thoughts out there. It’s also good to know that I am not alone in my struggles, & that there are people who are fighting the same demons that I am, & going through the same life challenges.

Onwards & upwards. Can’t see my Shrink soon enough to have a major discussion with him about my feelings.

Why the World Needs Neurodiversity

Neurodivergent Rebel

Neurodiversity relates to the way a person thinks and experiences the world.

The thoughts below evolved from a conversation with someone opposed to the theory on another blog. The opposer claimed neurodiversity ignores health problems commonly associated with the neurodiverse condition and questioned how identical twins could have one ND (neurodiverse) twin and on NT (neurotypical or “normal”) twin if neurodiversity is genetic.

I’m currently drafting another paper regarding environmental epigenetics to address the questions about twins, but the first statement, a misunderstanding of neurodiversity, I am addressing here.

Lots of neurodiverse people have co-occurring conditions (Anxiety, IBS, migraines, sensory overload, insomnia, etc.). These things can be disruptive to one’s life and may require medical attention. Nobody is trying to deny these medical conditions are, at best, an inconvenience.

Everyone has a genetic predisposition to some sicknesses, neurodiverse people just have a common list of accompanying illnesses.

The definition of…

View original post 430 more words

Day 4 (10th August 2017)

Boing! Awake at 4am again. Thoughts are racing through my head, mostly work related but coupled with the racing thoughts, comes a feeling of anxiety & self doubt for the day. This does tend to calm down after taking my meds, but it’s an hour of turmoil inside my head, not a great way to start the day.

Into the work day, & remembering that I don’t smoke anymore, I get stuck into my mails, & forget about wanting smoke for the rest of the morning. Keeping busy seems to be my mantra at the moment, & as long as I have something to do, it definitely helps. The problem is, is that when you have done the admin side of things, which anyone can do really, & putting out a few fires, the difficulty creeps in with a creative thought process as to what you can create to do next. Whether it’s analysing a report & creating a report from that to mine out the data you need, or doing a PowerPoint presentation, this next step is incredibly difficult for me.

An underlying feeling that stays with me the whole day, is one of anxiousness, and every time my E-Mail inbox pings, I get this pang of fear in the pit of my stomach. This is not right, & gets put onto my list of to discuss points with my Doc. The end of the day can’t come quick enough & I start to find myself clock watching. I realise as well, that in lull times is when I used to take a break & go & have a smoke with colleagues, but I don’t do this anymore. It makes you realise, how much time you can spend just in doing that a few times a day. As the day rolls up, so do I & begin to unwind. The evening is spent doing some research online, then a nice shower & hit the sack around 9:30 for a relatively early night.

Interested to see what time I wake in the morning.