So while I had plans to write a daily blog on my experiences, life always seems to get in the way of the best laid plans.
From my last post, the days have all seemed to roll into one. I had managed to get an appointment with both my Psychiatrist & my Psychologist on the same day, which worked out perfectly.
I had always known that something was off kilter with my current regimen of meds that I was on, & I had a detailed discussion with my Doc about this.
I was taking Stratera for the ADD, Lamotrigine for mood stabilizing, & Rivotril for anxiety. What wasn’t being addressed, were my very depressive mood & thoughts. I had prepared for my appointment, & written a list of words of emotions that I had been feeling over the last few months, & this was definitely a big help in keeping the discussion on track with both my doctors as to how I was feeling.
It is always good to be able to speak to someone “impartial”, outside your normal support structure, as advise that they impart is always taken better. There is still a lot of work to do with my Psychologist, & it is very much a longer term strategy there, & I see the shorter term solution as medication. I am a believer that medication is the way to get you to a point that you feel that you are well enough to be able to make life decisions & to act on them, which is then where my Psychologist comes in to help with coping mechanisms.
My condition has has serious ramifications on both my personal & work life, to the point that work is placed almost on a knife edge as to whether you will still have a job. I certainly cannot afford to loose my job over this disorder, but I needed to be able to get to a point that I could come up with, & want to work with strategies to make it better & be a normal functioning person. Family is a lot more forgiving, while work will tolerate things to a point. I have not told my employer exactly what is wrong with me, & I don’t really want to use it as an excuse either.
My doctor has prescribed me a heavy anti depressant, along with changing the meds for ADD & Anxiety.
Suffice to say, changing my meds always has a transition period, & this time I am experiencing some unpleasant side effects as I get used to the new meds. I am on day 3 of them, & the side effects have been affecting day to day functioning. Nausea has been a big one, as well as fatigue during the day, but then insomnia at night, creating a vicious cycle of needing to sleep, not being able to, & then feeling tired all over again the next day.
I am hoping that this will be a short transition, & already if my stomach decides to settle, I feel more awake & open to possibilities that I haven’t experienced for some time. I am not however relying completely on my meds to make me better. It takes a conscious effort to make changes in your life, to pull yourself out of the position you have found yourself in, & to refuse to relapse into your old ways again.
It is hard, but I have to do this if I want to remain a functioning member of society.
My wife has been & is incredibly supportive, but at the same time firm in what she does to help me through this, & has a vested interest in my well being.
The is a lot of work to do, but I know I can pull through this.
Living with BPD 